The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
