I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
