There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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