Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I AM VODKA MAN
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
