the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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