How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
