I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my shit smells like andre
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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