I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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