the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
