Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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