two words: eviction party
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
