Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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