Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
