i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
