I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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