I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
