There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Girls should come with a carfax report
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
