Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
