I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
