Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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