If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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