Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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