You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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