I showed him my bush... on skype.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
