i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
