Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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