Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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