the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
