He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
