Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
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Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
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Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
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