I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize