when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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