Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
