I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
