I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
