if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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