im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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