wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
