A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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