Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
