you're like a bully in the Christmas story
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Send help, water and tortillas.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
