Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
