I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My hand turned me down
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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