$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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