So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
