I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
