I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
