so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
