My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
