Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
