FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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