the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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