so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one